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After a long break, I thought I'd try a more ambitious project. This is 2 1/2 pages of it, and is **work in progress**. Consistency could certainly be improved...

I don't know how to do comics - It's pretty much the first time I try to tell a long story like this, so I would be curious to hear about what does not work. E.g. does the action move from frame to frame? Is it too boring already? :)
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:icondpsetsfire:
dpsetsfire Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2014
your artwork is amazing, i write screenplays  would love to collaborate.
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:iconbornirie:
bornirie Featured By Owner May 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Perfect as it is.
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:iconazaleajones:
AzaleaJones Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Interesting.
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:icontuxsuti:
tuxsuti Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I acually really liked this comic. There is a lot of depth in the frames and it begs for more story to follow. Keep it up.
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:iconnunowho:
NunoWho Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013  Student General Artist
You'r going in the right way! Mixing the action scenes like one, good visual narration overall! keep it up!!
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:iconstev0supreemo:
stev0supreemo Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013
Should I be reading into the presence of two panels with the same hand? I mean, in terms of getting a sense of the scene, I don't feel like two is necessary, unless you really wanted to emphasize the hands for some other purpose.

Page 2, panel 1: He looks much younger and thinner than I think he's supposed to be.

Some of the sequences don't fit together completely. I felt a bit isolated by some of them at times (maybe you wanted to achieve that); it pulled me from a smooth narrative flow.

And this is just me but I would have liked seeing a close up depiction of him counting the money with his ring clearly visible. I think that would have said a lot (and maybe it would have been a more efficient way of presenting the narrative).

 Besides those critiques, this is really really good stuff! You're better than most amateur artists that I see at comic book conventions (and it's your first attempt!). I really like the idea, I really felt like I understood that man at the end of page 2 (which is a disturbing feeling). Well done, dude!
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:iconfranky-spade:
Franky-spade Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2013  Professional General Artist
Great !! :)
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:iconsinesquared:
SineSquared Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2013
This is really interesting!  Each frame has its own purpose, giving its own clue to the story.  Like a curtain lifting slowly and you can almost see the title screen underneath, but aren't quite sure what it says yet.  The lack of dialogue makes the reader look very closely at the art and the composition to catch what's happening in the silences.  Wonderful!
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:iconivory-phills:
ivory-phills Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2013  Student General Artist
Wow, this is fantastic! This would make an amazing comic! :D
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:icontheunderageassassin:
TheUnderageAssassin Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Easy to read and very well done for someone who doesn't do comics! The actions move very well, and it's intriguing!
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:iconvitadacani:
vitadacani Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2013
I think this work is very well done
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:iconseeartineverything:
SeeArtinEverything Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2013  Student Digital Artist
a very nice way to convey a story and done in a style that is your own. What more could you want.


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:iconmidnight-specks:
Midnight-Specks Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2013  Professional General Artist
This was /very/ well done, so for someone who doesn't know how to do comics, I definitely commend you for doing a fantastic job. I really felt the motion, atmosphere and pain, here. And yeah, the panels moved fabulously. Fantastic work. Keep it up.
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:iconredetzke:
redetzke Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
very gritty. i'm intrigued. 
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:iconsherlocksscarf:
SherlocksScarf Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013
I'm very impressed with what you've done so far. I think the action moves quite well, actually. Your framing is very good, especially for a first attempt. A few notes:

1) Page 1, last frame: It seems like the proportion of her shoulder and arm is a bit off, but I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps ask a friend to model that position to see what's not right?

2) The frame on page 1 where he is gripping her breast: I think a more natural grab, which would still be rough, would be to try to cup as much of the breast in his fingers as possible. Ths position made me think of trying to manually express milk (chalk that up to having been a breastfeeding mom!).

3) You mentioned English being an issue. Most of this is perfect. You might consider having her say, "You were rough WITH me, sweetheart," instead of "to me."

4) I actually loved the color usage throughout. The vivid orange for the beginning, fading into a color that is rustier, giving the impression of exhaustion, misery, unhappiness, and gradually fading out into a comparably colorless night. Gorgeously done.

5) I really, really liked the details of their anatomy. Nice work on the hands and foot, especially. And the curves and lines of poor Marge's body were so realistic, and mirrored that sense of exhaustion and defeat.

6) I hope you'll post more of this. I'm quite curious to see where it goes. Great work so far!
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:iconrodgerhodger:
RodgerHodger Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013
Panel is VERY well do none.
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:iconblue-disciple:
Blue-Disciple Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013
Who wants to see two old people, one paying the other for sex?  Nasty.
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:iconlittledinosaurarms:
littledinosaurarms Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013
Also the breast isn't drawn improperly per se, but one probably wouldn't grab it in a way that left the nipple exposed.  That might look more dramatic, but it isn't realistic- he'd be grabbing the whole like and squishing it like an overripe fruit if he's taking her forcefully.  Looks too much like he's massaging it for her pleasure, which we know he isn't.
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:iconrazio:
Razio Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013
Comics are all aobut drama, you need to dramatise a bit, but this is interesting, I wander what happens next
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:iconsirryness:
Sirryness Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013  Professional General Artist
Very interesting. I would definitely read more :)
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:icona-glass-brightly:
A-Glass-Brightly Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013  Professional Photographer
So sad. But an excellent example of simple storytelling! 
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:iconblackapple93:
blackapple93 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013  Student Writer
Would really like to see more of this story. :) The somber tone is amazing.
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:iconpharocomics:
pharocomics Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013   Traditional Artist
I second those statements.
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:iconoliverhine:
OliverHine Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013
its good it all works
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:iconjfbayle:
JFBAYLE Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013
Clap 
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:iconmyronavitch:
Myronavitch Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013
I find this first attempt at producing this story as a comic quite successful.  I like every element of the art work.  Especially the last moonlit frame, invoking a fresh breath of air, and perspective, from the rather oppressive orange-tinted interior atmosphere.
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:icondr8gonwolf666:
dr8gonwolf666 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013  Student
Great for your first try :) Um... but the only thing I'm not quite sure about is if her breasts look right when they're squished.... like it doesn't look right. Hope this helps :)
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:iconlilshiniko:
lilshiniko Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2013

Just my random critique/take on things:


1. Does he remove the wedding band before, and then put it back on? If so, I think you should show that scene (putting it back on) instead of the static glance; it would have more impact than just looking at the ring. If not, then it's missing in some of the first scenes.


2. The hand in the fifth panel also looks slightly different from all of the other hands. I think it's because you added "veining" on the previous panels, and the last one looks smoother by comparison.


3. The woman's body language shift between the panel 6 and panel 8 seems a bit strange as well. She goes from being relaxed and loose, to suddenly laying stiff as a board. I think this is because of the way her arm is positioned. Why not put her arm laying across her abdomen? Some people just do it naturally when laying prone, or it could be used to convey a sense of vulnerability. We tend to pull our body parts into ourselves when we're feeling weak or doubtful, etc. But as is, it just looks very stiff and somewhat unnatural in contrast to the previous panels.


Also, I just lay down on my bed to check, and the narrowing of her arm for the wrist is a little early. When I was laying down my wrist was below my hip (more like groin level-ish). I think this shortening of the arm also contributes to the odd feeling of the positioning/body.


4. I'm also not so sure about the "Well..." because I feel like some kind of shrug (not sure how you'd draw that) or maybe a non-commital grunt-like sound would make more sense? I just feel like "Well..." leads to something else, if not dialogue then a shrug, as if one cannot think of a proper response.


5. "No towel, Marge" was also a little weird. I'm not sure the feeling you're trying to convey here. Casualness? Then maybe "Need towels, Marge." Scorn/disdain? He'd need "angrier" body language. Otherwise, what is he trying to say/convey?


6. I know you already mentioned consistency, but I'm going to point out a few little things. The stuff under the bed changed slightly (panel 6 - panel 15). What is that white sheet-like thing in the foreground in panel 6? If it's his shirt, it seems kind of big relative to the size of the bed. If it's not, then it's missing in panel 15. Is the red panel to the right of the man's head (panel 15) supposed to be the door? If so, it's on the wrong side based on the following panels (opens inward, handle on right, hinges on left). If not, what is it? Am I nitpicking? Yeah, kinda. Sorry, but I figured I'd point it out since we tend to miss things when we rely solely on self-edit.


As far as storyline, I don't find it boring. It leaves us with questions, which is a good thing because it captures and retains interest. From these 2 1/2 pages, you can ask: Who are these people? Do they have any connection beyond a paying john and a prostitute? Is she a prostitute at all? Or does he just feel guilty about having a mistress and pays her off? Does she have lingering regrets about being a prostitute or a mistress? What is she thinking about (panel 8)? Why is he so rough with her? Is this a regular occurrence? Etc. etc.


So there's a definite sense of capturing interest, which is a plus. But you should also look at the audience you've cultivated already based on previous works. I'm not trying to be presumptive here, but the majority of your work seems to have a bit of a dark or surreal feel to it. This comic may seem odd to some of your followers, and it may fail to attract their interest as much or they may consider it boring because it doesn't have the same feel or taste to it. But that doesn't mean that it's uninteresting, only that you might need to find the right audience.


Also, I tend to write walls of text when prompted (if you count your casual, "tell me what works" as a prompt...). Sorry :( Although if you post more pages with the same prompt I'll probably end up doing it again, haha. Still, I hope I've at least given you something(s?) to think about!


Cheers!

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:iconbegemott:
begemott Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013
Thanks for the very detailed input, much appreciated! It's very useful!!
I'll certainly try to fix some issues (e.g. the arm, the missing sheet -it's a bed sheet btw). Also, getting down natural dialog in English is not totally straightforward for me... one more thing to work on.

As a side note: I'm not going to be posting this whole thing here (I will probably upload it in a separate page somewhere, when and IF it's done). But the story does get quite dark and surreal later on, it just takes a while to build up.
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:iconlittledinosaurarms:
littledinosaurarms Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013
I thought "No towel, Marge?" was fine- it can definitely still be taken as threatening as the unspoken implication is that she has failed- again.  I would work with the text and balloons to help show the tone of voice things are being said in and would add some sound effects, i.e. breathing tempo, bed creaking, etc.
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:iconjessicatruesong:
JessicaTruesong Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is great advice. Listen to this person ^
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:iconfalconfliesalone:
falconfliesalone Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2013
I thought he was killing her or raping her with the first few images. Not sure about the orange background at the start. It kinda makes the flesh tones blend into it. I felt it was more effective to have it with the shadows as he's washing his hands and the ground when he's stepping into the mud and dirt. The bit with him walking out the door and walking in the mud with the puddle there looks awesome though - I really like those two images. Overall, it's a decent flow to the story. It's not too short but doesn't drag on - the time spent on each scene is just right.
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:iconblueykatt:
BlueyKatt Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're doing pretty well, as far as story flow goes.

The only thing that threw me for a loop is the way the comic started out. (The first few pictures made had me thinking that this was a hand-gripping tutorial, which is definitely not what you were trying to do!) But once I saw the other scenes, it dawned on me that this piece was actually a comic.

Other than that, it seems interesting, and I wish you luck! :D
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:iconaxyic:
AXYIC Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2013
I was told it's OK to go slowly with actions if you want to add drama. But if you're narrating a normal scene (not dramatic) or an action sequence, a fastest narrative is supposed to be better. I think this comic is nicely done : )
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:iconmrveronikkk:
MrVeronikkk Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2013
 It Looks Amazing!! The characters are very expressive... i'd like to see it totally developed :)
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:iconsebastianvonbuchwald:
Looks nice. If you're interested in doing comics work, reading "Understanding Comics" by Scott McCloud and Eisner's "Graphic Storytelling and Visual Narrative" and "Comics and Sequential Art" is a must.
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:iconbegemott:
begemott Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2013
Thanks! I just looked them up, they look like exactly what I need : )
This project may turn out to be too much work for a free-time thing - but being able to tell a story is an awesome power, and I want to learn...
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:iconsebastianvonbuchwald:
Yeah, comics can be very demanding and time-consuming but they're also super rewarding. I'm trying to get my own comics-related stuff off the ground and yeah, it takes time. But anyway, best of luck! :)
Reply
:iconskyounkinzero:
skyounkinzero Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2013  Hobbyist
Artwork reminds me of Frank Quietly mixed with John Cassidy.  Looks great!
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:iconarskuma:
arskuma Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You're doing pretty well for your first comic, very cool story telling pictures. : )
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October 19, 2013
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